Yo, Yo, Yo!
Welcome to the Relationship Circus!
Where your heart gets mugged, your wallet gets murdered,
AND YOU SAY SORRY FOR A CRIME YOU NEVER FUCKING HEARD OF!
I said, “Baby, what's wrong?”
She said, “Nothing.”
...OH, SHIT. SOMEBODY CALL THE FUCKING FBI!
Met her Tuesday, she was hotter than the sun,
Wednesday: “You're my soulmate!” Thursday: “We are DONE!”
Friday, she's in my hoodie, eating fries off my plate,
Saturday, she's interrogating who I followed back in '2008!
“WHO'S THAT GIRL?!” “MY COUSIN!”
“WHY'D YOU LIKE HER PIC?!”
BITCH, I LIKED A FUCKING SUNSET NOW THE SUN'S A SUSPECT!
Can't heart react a dog without a three hour fight:
“WHY'S THAT GOLDEN RETRIEVER GETTING HEART EYES TONIGHT?!”
Bought flowers, bought chocolates, bought a ring with a diamond,
She said, “YOU NEVER LISTEN!” I'M SORRY, WAS I FUCKING HIDING?!
She threw roses at my head, sent the vase through the wall,
Now I'm apologizing to the neighbors, the landlord, and them all!
I'm the king of my castle! Wait, the castle's in her name!
She changed the Wi-Fi password NOW I'M HOMELESS IN THE GAME!
LOVE IS A BITCH! (HEY!)
LOVE IS A TRAP! (WHAT?!)
YOU GIVE HER YOUR HEART SHE DEMANDS A FUCKING MAP!
“PROVE THAT YOU LOVE ME!”
“BABE, I BOUGHT YOU A CAR!”
“THAT'S NOT THE POINT!”
THEN WHAT THE FUCK IS THE POINT, JAGUAR?!
GET WILD! GET LOUD! LET THE CIRCUS BEGIN!
YOU CAN WIN THE ARGUMENT BUT YOU'LL NEVER FUCKING WIN!
“WE NEED TO TALK!” NOW YOUR SOUL'S IN A BIN!
WELCOME TO THE CIRCUS, WHERE THE CLOWNS MOVE IN!
She wants a man who's mature, emotionally stable,
So I cleaned up my apartment, put my trauma on the table.
She said, “You're too distant!”
“BABE, I'M RIGHT HERE!”
“YOU'RE TOO AVAILABLE!”
WHAT AM I, A FUCKING DEER?!
A mysterious bad boy? I'm a mysterious tax payer!
I buy toilet paper! I'M A GODDAMN HOUSEHOLD SAVIOR!
I can cook, fix a lightbulb, do the laundry, pay the rent,
But she wants a six foot billionaire with a jawline heaven sent!
This TikTok motherfucker's got abs made out of stone,
Giving dating advice beside a rented Lamborghini he don't own!
“REAL MEN LEAD!”
BRO, YOU'RE TWENTY THREE!
YOUR MOM STILL WASHES YOUR UNDERWEAR DON'T PREACH TO ME!
You're a millionaire? Cool! I'm rich in fucking debt!
I've got loyalty, a pension, and a coupon I ain't used yet!
She wants candles and romance, something sexy, something dark,
I lit seventeen tea lights NEARLY BURNT DOWN THE PARK!
Whispered, “You're my angel,” she said, “You don't understand.”
Then sent seventeen links to some shirtless Instagram man!
DING! DING! DING!
“Yo, babe, you awake?”
IT'S THREE FOURTEEN IN THE MORNING!
“Can we talk?”
ABOUT FUCKING WHAT?!
“I had a dream you cheated.”
WITH WHO?!
“I don't know, but you looked happy.”
...OH, FUCK ME SIDEWAYS WITH A PARKING TICKET!
Now we're fighting in the kitchen, neighbors placing fucking bets,
She's got screenshots, voice notes, evidence from all my texts!
“Forensic level analysis of the eyebrow that you raised!”
I'M ON TRIAL FOR A FACIAL EXPRESSION FROM SIX FUCKING DAYS!
She's the judge, the jury, prosecutor, FBI,
I'm defending my existence while my last brain cell says goodbye!
My attorney's a Labrador he ate the fucking case!
Now the dog wants a plea deal and a treat for his disgrace!
She says, “I'm fine!” the temperature drops below zero,
I'm a grown ass man held hostage by a passive aggressive superhero!
I say, “Let's communicate!”
“You NEVER FUCKING TRY!”
SO I WROTE A FUCKING ESSAY
“WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY?!”
Then she laughs, and all the bullshit disappears,
One kiss at midnight and I'm volunteering for four more years!
She's my headache and my heaven, my disaster and my peace,
My financial fucking downfall and the reason I don't leave!
LOVE IS A BITCH! (HEY!)
LOVE IS A GAME! (WHAT?!)
YOU LOSE YOUR FUCKING MIND BUT YOU KEEP PLAYING THE SAME!
BLOCK HER! UNBLOCK HER!
TEXT HER AGAIN!
YOU'RE A GROWN-ASS ADULT ACTING TWELVE IN THE RAIN!
GET WILD! GET LOUD! LET THE MADNESS BEGIN!
SHE STOLE YOUR FAVORITE HOODIE THAT'S A CAPITAL SIN!
YOU CAN HAVE THE LAST WORD, BUT YOU'LL NEVER REALLY WIN!
NOW KISS HER ON THE FOREHEAD AND TAKE THE FUCKING BIN!
So here's my advice, you beautiful disasters
Find someone who laughs at your jokes,
Who loves you when you're broke,
Who doesn't check your phone while you're taking a shit,
And who knows what “I'm fine” means...
Actually, nobody knows what the fuck that means.
Dating in this century is like assembling IKEA furniture
while somebody screams instructions in fucking Klingon.
But if you find your person?
HOLD ON TIGHT.
LOVE THAT CRAZY BASTARD WITH EVERYTHING YOU GOT!
I LOVE YOU, BABY!
WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE.
WHO THE FUCK IS BRAD?!
